Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
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I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard