Marriage: When dating goes too far.
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rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child