*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.