ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
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Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
couldn’t resist
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.