5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine