I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.