[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
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When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Eat…
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot