Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
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Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees