Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
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ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers