Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
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WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door