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I’m not average. I’m mean.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Customer is always right
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.