inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
You Might Also Like
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“Huge”.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.