I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
You Might Also Like
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
<- sleeps well with others
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS