the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
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Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
“What?”
– Jude
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do