When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
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ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Okay, I’m still confused…
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
You have been warned.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!