That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
reminder
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?