My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
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*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
When ur friends with white people
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty