Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
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You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals