I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
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*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming