I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
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Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens