Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
You Might Also Like
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*