This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Sheep
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.