In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
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4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.