Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
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[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey