Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
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Cashiers are always checking me out
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
describing stardew valley
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
“You drive, I’m tired.”
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
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