When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Something Saturday.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?