“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
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I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals