Trumpy Cat
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If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.