please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
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Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
meow
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Pringles
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.