The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
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WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you鈥檙e a meth lab
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I鈥檓 the person.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
He wanted to make sure馃槀
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Baby rabbits馃惏 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident