Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
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Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap