let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
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[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no