So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
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Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music