I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
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Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined