*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.