[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My love language is hissing.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?