It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.