Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty