This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
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I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.