I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
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Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”