Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
You Might Also Like
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.