*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
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Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
😜
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”