Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
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If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me too 😆
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there