probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
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When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
sir, my pâté if you please
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”