“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
i love modern commerce
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.