[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
You Might Also Like
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
definitely did not do anything wrong