I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
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Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.