Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
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‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Hmm, not sure about this change
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Attacked by a mop.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.