Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
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[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven