My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
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Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …